Reality vs. Expectations

Today’s post is not a typical one for me. I usually post recipes only, and a product review or food diary here and there. Sometimes I’ll add a new post to my “Truth” category though, and I must say I always enjoy writing a post for that category. Probably because it’s these posts that I feel are the most honest.

Tomorrow is the last day of school before I get to go on Christmas Break, and I must say I am more than ready for it. I look back over the past four months and can’t really believe that they have passed me by so quickly…and I have to admit I don’t really know who I am now. I am usually a very self-reflecting person (I mean, I have a blog, right!?), but that has got cut short over these past months. Those of you who have been following me for a while will have also noticed that I don’t post as frequently as I did during the beginnings of hitbycoconuts.wordpress.com. Obviously, that’s due to to time issues, but it’s also more than that.

I started this blog because I needed a “getaway” from studying, and it filled me with such a load of joy. I loved creating recipes, posting, photographing, editing, designing etc. This blog carried me through the horror of my final exams, and I am so very thankful. It was, for a year, the one thing I did that was “for me”.

We all need a thing like that, in my opinion. It’s so important to have a hobby, something you cherish, that you do to unwind.

And I am so sad that this blog hasn’t solely been that for me the past four months.

You see, starting “my career”, if you were to call it that, jump started life again. Between finishing my exams and finding out where I’d get to work as a teacher, I was craving purpose and drive, and when I finally got to start working as a teacher, that’s exactly what I got: I have never felt more “important” or driven as I do when I teach. I love it. It’s what fulfills me, and eventhough I’m counting the hours until I finally get to be on holiday tomorrow, I am excited for everything that’s to come after Christmas. I am excited for what lies ahead. And it’s awesome that it doesn’t involve this blog.

That’s not to say I dislike blogging, or cooking, or baking, or that I’m planning to stop blogging. In fact, I really need to get back to it. I feel like I’ve put my energy into school, into teaching, and I’ll be damned if I don’t make it out of teacher’s training with a heart filled with pride. But I also love this blog. I love thinking up new recipes, I love writing blog posts…but I couldn’t live up to my own expectations of actually keeping up with blogging the way I had wanted it to work.

Of course, I posted one to two recipes per week. But of all the posts of the four months, I probably wrote about one or two on the actual day that I published it. Which totally misses the point this blog has for me…which is to unwind, to allow my thoughts to run around on the screen, to “relax”. I have lost the ability (if I ever had it) to relax on hitbycoconuts, and, frankly, that sucks.

So that’s the reality of things. I have been working 50-60 hour weeks, something that is completely new and still a little foreign to me. I have learned so much about responsibility for other human beings, and I don’t mean methods of teaching or anything like that. I have grown emotionally, but I haven’t had the chance to reflect any of it. Which is why I am so relieved that I will be on break…I need that time. I need to return to those parts of me I needed to neglect these past weeks, so that I can start teaching again after the break and feel ready for it.

Dividing up my passion between two things is new. It’s the reality of things, though, and I’m all for it. I am ready to blog again, in “real time”, not weeks ahead so that I can publish posts regularly. If that means you’ll miss out for a week or two, then that’s the way it’ll be.

Pressure is a big topic in my life right now. I am not a laid-back person to start with, and the situation during teacher’s training is anything but pressure-free, so I dislike pressuring myself to perform on this platform. I won’t do it anymore. If I have one New Year’s Resolution, then that’s it: I am so ready not to pressure myself into doing things for anybody but myself.

And I definitely don’t mean that in an egotistical or egocentric way. But with all this professional stuff I have to deal with it’s easy to forget who I am working my a** off for. I am doing it for ME. I am doing it because it is my reality, it’s the life I WANT, it’s what I have chosen. I want to be a kick-ass teacher one day, and I want to continue blogging until I am old and wrinkly and my grandchildren laugh at the outdated media us old people use.

It’s super easy to forget what we do things for, and what we expect doesn’t always work out. But that’s okay. I expected to always have enough energy left-over to blog, but it turns out most nights I am proud of myself for making dinner, and I just can’t be bothered to photograph it and post it. Didn’t see that coming – but I didn’t know what this new part of my life would be like. I am loving it, but it’s super intense.

What’s the quintessential message of this long post? I love my job. I didn’t expect to feel so different after only a few months of being a teacher. I still eat healthily. I still love cooking. I still love food. I didn’t expect old patterns to creep up in my head after the school year started out so well, but I know myself and I know those patterns and I know that it’ll pass.

Reality is not always what you expect…but it’s okay, and I’m ready. Ready for Christmas, ready for storing that professional teacher part of me away for a week, ready for turning off those voices in my head that are stressing me out. I am ready for everything reality’s got in store and I hope you are, too.

Merry Christmas!

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